It is an undisputed fact that being a step-parent is more challenging than being a biological parent. When you are a child’s biological parent, you can assert a level of authority which you would otherwise not be able to. Step-parents need to carefully thread the line between friendship and authority. If you are a step-parent or going to become one, below are 5 tips you should bear in mind.
Firstly, you need to remember that when you are a step-parent, you first need to be a friend. Unless your step-child is very young, any step-parent is bound to face some amount of hostility. This is especially true if there are teenagers to deal with. You should not instantly try to become the parent of your step-children. This will only backfire and create tensions in your new relationships. Instead, you should try to first start out as friends, failing which, you will find yourself in a power struggle. In doing so, it may help for you to offer tangible small gifts of friendship to your stepchild. However, do not overdo this as older stepchildren can definitely see through this. For instance, if your stepchild is stressed over an upcoming test, then you may want to present him with some lucky charm that would give a confidence boost.
The second tip would be to discuss parenting rules with your new spouse. Each family is different and so will the parenting rules. As such, it is important for you to be on the same page as your spouse on this regard. Discuss your respective strategies for rewards, chores, punishments, allowances and so on. This way, both of you will be able to come up with a mutually agreeable way of doing things. Similarly, the children will not be confused with each other having different ways of doing things. The transition for children to accept a new member in the family will be much easier if both parents are in sync with the way they do things.
The third tip and fairly important one would be to encourage your stepchild to spend quality time with his/her biological parent(s). It is natural for stepchildren to feel threatened when his/her parents gets married again to a new person. They feel that the new member is snatching their biological parent away from them. If you consciously promote the practice of spending on-to-one time with biological parents, the children will not feel like there is any competition of affection. This makes the transition from friend to step-parent a whole lot easier.
The fourth tip is to know what your boundaries are. A step-parent can never match up to a biological parent and this is especially pertinent where disciplining is concerned. Over-disciplining your step-child can prove to be detrimental as the kid may begin to despise you. Instead, take a step back and allow the biological parent to discipline his/her own children at least initially, till they can accept you as a step-parent. Once a considerable amount of time has been spent trying to earn the children’s respect and affection, then you can begin discipline or at least stand the chance of being listened to.
Finally, you may want to join a support group for step-parents. In such groups, you will be able to receive support and share issues you may be facing. By learning from fellow step-parents, you may be able to gain some valuable insights.
