A child’s first experience of loss and bereavement is often that of a pet. This loss can come in various forms. The pet might have been lost or may have disappeared. You might have to put a pet to sleep on medical grounds. The pet may have died of natural reasons or in an accident. Children tend to attach themselves emotionally to their pets in far stronger terms than we can imagine. To them, a pet is a close friend and someone they can trust. Most kids speak to their pets as if they were speaking to another person, often opening up much more than they would to people. As grown-ups, it may not be entirely possible for us to understand the complexity of this experience. How the elders of the family help the child deal with the experience of a pet loss may well determine the child’s development as a person. Here are a few pointers to help you and your child to cope better with the loss of a pet.
1. Be honest
A lot of people find it difficult to be upfront and tell their children about the loss of their pet. They prefer instead to build a myth around it like telling them that their pet went to sleep or that God wanted the pet to be with him. These explanations do not help to deal with the grief the child is experiencing but carry the danger of creating unwanted fear of sleeping or resentments in the child against the concept of a higher power. Instead, have an open discussion with him about the natural order of life and death and about how one of the purposes of life is to create values like friendship and happiness in the lives of others.
2. Be proactive
Participate in your child’s grief. You may find your child’s reaction to the loss silly but you have no idea how traumatic it is for the child. They need all your support to go through this grief. You can help them understand the facts of life, as well as do things together to observe the passing away of the pet. Just pretending to play along will not help either, since it will surely be seen through by your child. Children are much more sensitive to non-verbal communications than adults. If you do not mean and feel for what you are saying and doing, the child will pick it up and the result will be a trust deficit that can permanently damage the child.
3. Do things together
If the pet has disappeared and you do not know for sure that it is dead, get the child involved in trying to find the pet. Share your child’s concern and offer him the guidance that he needs. Help him take steps to find the pet. Some ideas that can help are putting up “missing” posters in the neighborhood, taking a walk or a drive around the block calling out the pets name and asking neighbors and local store owners if they have seen the pet.
4. Cherish and share the memory
Help your child preserve and share the memory of the pet. You can do this in a number of ways. You can have a memorial service (or a burial if possible) with friends and family coming together to mourn the loss and share their experiences of the life of the pet. You may want to set up a small memorial in honor of the pet. You can help your child put together pictures, photos and other memorabilia into a scrapbook.
5. Acknowledge the pain of the loss
A child’s grief can be terribly difficult to understand or to bear. It is so different and so much stronger than what we as adults permit us to experience that it can be frightening to witness. You may feel tempted to try and distract the child or to even reprimand him for crying, sulking, throwing tantrums, and generally being unable to overcome the grief. This can cause more harm than good. Instead, permit the child to express his grief in whatever way he chooses to.
6. Understand the process of grief
Grief is a process, not an event. It takes its own time depending on the person going through it and the intensity of the loss. It is characterized by different stages. These are denial of the loss, anger at the loss, bargaining with the reality of the loss, depression at the loss and acceptance of the loss. Typically, people spend a lot of time going through the first four stages, moving from one stage to another back and forth, before they move on to acceptance. This is natural. Allow the process of grief to unfold naturally. It is the only way for the child to reach the stage of acceptance.
7. Don’t rush to get a new pet
A common mistake that people make is to rush and get the child a new pet once there has been a pet loss. This is not a good idea. To kids, pets are people, and they cannot be replaced. Wait till the child has processed the loss and resumed a normal life, and verbalizes the desire for a new pet. Any attempt to get a new pet before that may be seen by the child as an insult to the memory of his previous pet. Also, if you get the child a pet before he or she is emotionally complete with the loss of the earlier pet, the child might actually end up hating the new pet.
Source: Family
