What does Commitment Really Mean?
The word alone makes grown men break into a sweat and transforms tough, macho men into withering crybabies. But what exactly is the commitment? What does it entail? According to the Webster dictionary, commitment is “an agreement or pledge to do something in the future” or “the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled”. In layman terms, commitment equals to taking a pledge or a vow.
Commitment in a relationship, however, means that you have promised to accept the responsibility of taking care of your partner’s wants, needs, and feelings. It is considered to be one of the key factors in any relationship since commitment and trust are related to each other. A person will have little reason to trust his/her partner if there is a lack of commitment to his/her part. Exhibiting committed behaviors are the only way to know for sure if there exists any commitment in a relationship. But what kinds of behaviors are classified as committed behaviors? They are the ones that will not arouse any kind of suspicion in your partner or betray his/her faith in you. You have always got to be careful of non-committed behavior.
List of Commitment Dos and Don’ts
- Do share your feelings with your partners. Let them know that you feel comfortable in their presence. By sharing positive experiences, you also give your partner a chance to open up and confess his/her feelings. Remember, the stronger the base, the longer the relationship will hold.
- There’s no such thing as harmless flirting; avoid it like plague. Never keep secrets from each other. They may come back to bite you when you least expect it.
- Relationships aren’t easy. They require hard work to maintain. So do not threaten to dissolve the relationship whenever some problem crops up. Instead, try and solve it together.
- Don’t always try to talk to your partner about commitment. It will not only be stressful for him/her but for you too. Also, try and avoid bringing up this delicate topic each time you feel anxious or worried about the direction in which your relationship is heading.
- Instead of dropping hints asking for commitment, share your dreams for the future with your partner. It’s not necessary that he/she has to be a part of it. Doing this will make him/her appreciate you for being committed to yourself and your dreams.
- Don’t ever try to convince your partner. The more you plead your case, the more your partner will feel manipulated and trapped and will be unable to express his/her true feelings. Provide your partner with some space.
- Last but not the least, keep your options open. Unless you are completely sure about yourself, avoid making a single person the center of your existence. Bear in mind that your first commitment is always you.
Following these simple steps is sure to fire up your partner’s desire for commitment.
Benefits of Commitment
- The early years of marriage are very hard considering that you and your partner are two separate individuals. It takes a lot of trials and efforts to successfully settle down together. But if you are truly committed to each other, your relationship will grow and evolve in front of your very eyes.
- Commitment is the saving grace in any relationship when boredom sets in. Your vows of lifelong love provide strength in those times.
- No relation is complete without its share of bumps and hiccups. Hurdles like careers, health challenges, parenthood can all be overcome by the sheer strength of commitment.
Reading the Signs of Commitment Phobia in Your Partner
You are seeing a guy for quite some time, and everything seems quite fairytale-like. He takes you out on dates, gives you time, and it appears that he loves being with you. You like him and you feel he likes you too, and you arrange his meeting with your parents. Everything was going well but the day you told him about the meeting with your parents, unfortunately, there comes a sea change in your relationship.
A change that is not good, as he stops calling, texting, or emailing you, do not pick your calls, and almost disappears for a while. Then one fine day he contacts you, tells you that he is not ready to meet your parents, and urges you to keep things just as they are and not to take them to the next level. You are stunned and puzzled, as to what sort of behavior is this. Well, this behavior is called “Commitment Phobia,” and the person who behaves in this manner is a “Commitment-Phobiac.”
It can be embarrassing because you cannot make them meet your family and friends, as they avoid such confrontations, and frustration and conflicts follow. Not all commitment-phobes are the same though, but if you happen to trace such signs in him, either take a step or be ready for heartbreak.
Let us have a look at some signs that help a person find that they are dating a commitment-phobic:
1. Does not like to talk about future
One thing that commitment phobics find to be sickening is future planning; it’s kind of haunts and disturbs them. If your boyfriend deluges you with excuses just because you asked them to plan a trip next month, or they start feeling uncomfortable when you ask them out for a coffee on a weekend, it is quite possible that your boyfriend is suffering from commitment phobia.
2. Is not keen to make you meet his friends
Your boyfriend never expresses a desire to make you meet his friends, or becomes angry or restless if you ask him to make his friends meet you. Actually, the commitment phobics fear that they will get dumped and then their friends would ridicule them, so they do not prefer bringing their relation to their knowledge.
3. Makes out and leave
This one is a great sign if the deciphered right can tell you a lot about the one you are dating. If your boyfriend makes out with you and then without any delay leaves the scene always, then there is something to be worried about. Usually, the commitment phobics exhibit this sort of behavior.
4. Has expertise in the blame game
Whatever the situation is your boyfriend blames you. Even in situation, you did not have any role to play, they make you feel as if you are the culprit. They make the situation so pathetic that you start self-doubting and thinking as to what is wrong with you, or is it you who is crazy.
5. They introduce you as “Just a friend”
People with commitment phobia are big liars as well. They hate tags that make them realize their commitment. Like they never tell anybody or introduce you to someone as their girlfriend but only a friend, which might be frustrating for you but comfortable for them. Anything that reminds them of commitments, suffocates them.
How to Deal with Your Own Commitment Phobia?
Commitment in a relationship is a common problem that not only men but also women deal with. But, this fear developed due to any past reason or bad personal experience can surely be removed with a proper recognition of the problem. Here are some tips and ways to deal with a commitment phobia.
1. Identify the root cause of your phobia
You need to recognize the basis of your fear, so it could be pulled off the root. There may be several reasons you are scared of committing to a person. Whether you yourself had an unpleasant relationship or your parents had something like that, you do not need to surrender because of bad past experiences. Instead, learn from these instances and see what you do not have to repeat in your budding relationship. Remember that learning from the past may positively mold your future. But, if there is a deep-rooted fear from your childhood or any abusive experiences, do not hesitate to seek help from a professional counselor or psychologist. If there is some spiritual healing required, visit a priest and you will feel blessed.
2. Develop trust in yourself and your partner
Trust yourself to develop confidence so that you can succeed in your relationship. One broken relationship does not mean that another will go the same way. Learn from other’s failures and successes too. Further, develop trust with your partner. A relationship is stable only when partners trust and love each other. Do not let your current partner pay for what your ex did. Remember, everyone is different and since one person behaved badly, it does not determine that the other too will. Commit and give a chance to him/her and see how they can make your world beautiful.
3. Communicate with your partner
If you are close enough in a relationship with your boyfriend or girlfriend, then do communicate openly and genuinely with them. Tell them what has been troubling you and taking you away from committing to them. Make them understand about your fears and genuinely show that you are willing to remove this fear. If they are also in real love with you, they will surely try to get a feel of what you are facing. Believe it! An understanding individual will not only trust you, but also wait for you to be ready to start a new relationship. Also, sharing your commitment phobia may get it surprisingly reduced once you get some comforting words from your partner. So, go ahead and talk!
4. Move slowly and steadily
Do not suddenly jump into a relationship just because you are feeling lonely and need support from someone in your life. But, give it time and see how the relation takes its twists and turns. Try not to define a definite path for your relationship and carry unnecessary expectations. If you force anything in a relation, it could go the other way around. Spend some quality time with your partner and let the relation go the way it goes. If you have minimal expectations from it, your relationship can turn out with some nice surprises for you. Also, your partner will feel more comfortable in your company and will have the freedom and space that she/he requires. Moving slowly and steadily develops a long-term trust in each other, and this can be your biggest achievement in a new relation. You will get such a strength so that you can further commit to the person you love.
5. Develop a positive attitude
Do not think that if you are in a relationship, everything good is going to come your way. Your partner is also a human being who can make a few mistakes while creating a wonderful world for you. Try to neglect the little annoying things he/she does and look at the brighter side of the picture without exaggerating its negative aspects. It will develop a positive attitude in yourself and your partner will surely appreciate that. If you think you are feared to commit to such a person who makes so many mistakes, then do not forget that nobody in this world is perfect and even you may have a lot of bad habits like your partner. This does not mean that either of the partners has to move on, just to find another imperfect person. Think of all the good things this partnership can bring into your life. If you keep such a happy attitude maintained, nobody can dare to spoil your relationship. So, forget your past and go on committing to the person you love. Time will heal the rest!
How to Deal with Commitment Phobia of Your Partner
There are people, who are afraid of commitment in a relationship. Once they hear of commitment, they run away. It is therefore important to know how to handle someone with commitment issues. This makes it easier for both parties and prevents unpleasant situations.
1. Be sure of the level of commitment
If you want your partner to commit, you must know exactly what you want. You cannot ask your partner to commit and you are not sure of the level yourself. Take time to discuss this issue extensively and know the reasons you desire commitment. Decide whether it is an exclusive or open relationship. This keeps you both on the same page, therefore eliminating instances of feeling frustration and discontent.
2. Take it gradually
Do not be in a hurry when dating someone who is afraid of commitment. Handle the person with care and avoid situations that could make your partner feel like they are under pressure. Never force someone to commit because that does not usually turn out well. Do not be in a rush to commit until you are sure of such a move. It normally gets more difficult when you are both not on the same page.
3. Find out the reasons for being afraid
The fear of committing is triggered by something. This is what you should endeavor to find out. Talk to your partner and found out what is hindering and preventing him or her to commit. In most cases, people feel like they may lose their freedom, lose space, and fear having one sexual partner. These are real fears but both parties must work together to resolve such issues.
4. Fortify and strengthen the relationship
Maybe your partner is just not sure if committing is the way to go because of your actions. Take time to evaluate your behavior as well as your feelings. Sometimes, partners are simply not ready but the pressure to commit pushes them away further. Be aware of your partner’s concerns. Maybe they do not fully trust you or they fear losing something they had when they were not committed.
It is important to be cautious with people who are afraid of commitment because they easily lose track of the relationship. Ensure that both you and your partner understand commitment is for the benefit of the relationship. In addition, it is a way of progressing as a couple and as individuals.
