Fidelity is an important step in nurturing and strengthening any healthy marital relationship. This is why many women consider unfaithfulness of the husband as the worst situation in marital life and it can be devastating for the wife whether he confesses his guilt or has hidden it from her. Here are ways to cope with the situation and take the right decision.
1. Do not think or talk about divorce immediately
The first instinct would definitely be to file for a divorce, especially if you have been very faithful and has not hurt him in any possible way. But, you must take time to think about what is best for you and the family and whether there is a way you can save the marriage. This is important when kids are involved. Take your time to think and assess whether you can still live with him and be polite and accommodating towards him if he is willing to change and has confessed the crime to you as a result of guilt.
Feelings of guilt could mean that he has been unfaithful on an impulse and it has nothing to do with any feelings of dislike towards you. Divorce should only be the last resort when you have been wronged several times and there is no other way that you can save the marriage.
2. Confront your partner
When you have discovered for sure that he is cheating on you, there is no use suffering in silence. Let him tell you what the status of his relationship with the other woman is. Husbands can cheat due to several reasons. Some could be doing it just for some excitement and fun outside of marriage while they want to keep their marital life safe and secure. There are others who are bored with their wives due to a lack of communication and intimacy.
Yet others could be doing it for sexual satisfaction and there are others who cannot resist the urge to cheat as they have a mental disorder that needs to be attended to. Assess where your husband belongs to and try to talk it out with him. It is important that you do not react violently at this time. Be calm and approachable so that he will let you know the real reason. If it is something that involves you that has caused him to visit other women, you can think of changing your attitude and behavior to make amends.
Moreover, be persistent and bring him to talk and admit his faults. Is he remorseful? Probably yes or no! How remorseful he feels after talking to you will decide the next course of action you have to take. If he has a strong sexual urge which you cannot satisfy and have always been like that, you probably will always have to deal with his adulterous behavior. In such cases, think about how you want to deal with it. On the other hand, if he regrets his actions and would want to still remain in the relationship, you might want to give it a try.
3. Stop blaming yourself
Women have a habit of blaming themselves for the straying of their husbands. You could be fat, ugly, and not so confident, which could be eating into your mind and causing such guilt pangs. Remember that perfect and most beautiful, and successful wives too have husbands who cheat on them. It is a male tendency to go after beauty, in spite of having the most beautiful and devoted wife at home.
So, you need to stop blaming yourself for his actions, unless he has specifically mentioned that these are the causes behind his straying. In such cases, you can do your bit by enrolling yourself in a gym and building your confidence and body to keep up with his standards. Remember that there is a limit for pleasing your husband, and if you find that the demands and complaints keep increasing in spite of your best efforts, he could just be finding excuses for his cheating ways and probably will not mend his ways.
4. Does he deserve forgiveness
Maybe not! But that does not mean that you have to take the extreme step of going into separation and divorce. Think about kids, your financial security, and the future before taking such a step. If your husband is deeply involved with the kids and truly love them, you may be doing the wrong thing by separating the kids from him. It may also be that he has always taken good care of you and have never hurt you or misbehaved with you purposely. In such cases, you must think of making amends with him, if he too is keen on staying married, in spite of the betrayal and cheating. Can you take it lying down? If you are a strong and moralistic person with high values in life, this may not be an option. Try looking at the positive side and have a discussion with him about your future.
5. Give him a chance
Talk to your husband and let him reveal all the details to you. Sometimes, admitting all that he has done will let his guard off as he could have been suffering in silence all this time with pangs of guilt. Never reject his honesty and willingness to be frank with you. He is an honest husband and all human beings can make serious mistakes in their lives. Understand his mental makeup and desire to be forgiven and give him a chance. It helps when you are understanding and do not try to reproach or blame him for what he has done. It could be that mistakes are there on your part as well which made him stray. Assess your faults together and take a decision to get out of this and emerge as stronger individuals.
This is, however, entirely up to you whether you want to forgive him and give your marriage another try. Giving your husband a chance does not hurt if he is still in love with you and wants to make amends. Check his earnestness in this matter and decide on the best possible course that your marriage can take. Many husbands who cheat are surprisingly known to love their wives still while they continue their philandering ways. If you can accept the fact and forgive him, this could be all he needs to stop his wayward ways. However, let him know that this is his first and last chance and you would not take anything lying down anymore.
6. Explain to him your feelings of hurt
When you both have calmed down and are ready to have a chat, talk to him about how he feels about the whole episode and whether there is a future in the relationship. Let him give his opinion. If he is still willing to move forward and if you are willing to forgive his adulterous nature, work out a plan where you both can be happy and give a happy and peaceful home to your kids. Sometimes, people choose to stay in relationships just for the sake of kids, while their priorities and directions will be different.
In any case, never make the mistake of not letting him know how much he has hurt you with his actions. Tell him how hurt and sad you are and how much you have trusted and cared for him. The feeling of regret that you create in his mind must be deep enough to prevent him from repeating such actions again. It helps if you can hug him and cry until you feel good and relieved. Getting emotional together will strengthen your bond and help you grow stronger and bring maturity in your relationship. He would just realize how much you love him and want to save the marriage.
7. Keep kids and relatives away
Involving kids and relatives in such circumstances is a sensitive issue as it can make the unfaithful partner look very bad. The damage in such cases cannot be reversed and relatives can always remain rude towards your husband after they have come to know about your infidelity. Try your best to keep your relatives and his relatives out of this. Kids must never be brought into the picture as the faith and respect that they have for their father will be destroyed completely and can never be regained again. It could be too difficult for kids and the father to handle this. If you are in agony, talk to a friend or a co-worker who is close to you and can keep secrets. You may also think of talking to a relative who is close to you, maybe your mother who can help you get through the pain.
8. Work towards rebuilding trust
Based on what you have decided about the kind of relationship you would share if you are together, you can decide on how to go about it. Trust is something that you would still need to work on when you enter into a completely new relationship with your husband. Rebuilding a lost trust takes time and your husband needs to become more transparent and truthful towards you if he is looking at correcting his mistakes. It helps if you can set certain rules and guidelines that both of you will have to respect and follow. As the decision to stay together is a mutual one, it can be safely assumed that both of you will work hard towards building trust and confidence together and forgetting the past and building a beautiful future that is full of hope and enjoyment.
9. Seek counseling and betterment
Sometimes counseling is the best possible course to be taken when you have to deal with an unfaithful husband. Talking can lead to arguments, outbursts, allegations, and total discord and can lead to marital disharmony and separation. Seek the help and guidance of a marital counselor and address the issue with great seriousness and maturity. You both need to be mature individuals to do this. Push the past behind you and never try to bring up these issues if you are planning to start afresh. A marriage counselor will be able to guide you on the right track in such cases. However, make sure that you are completely sure about wanting to forgive him and stay together. It will also help you deal with the heartache and pain with more maturity.
10. Get ready to move on
Husbands who cannot be changed with repeated attempts from your part to keep them happy can be very stressful to deal with. Assess your relationship and be ready to move out if necessary rather than suffer in silence. Talk to your friends and relatives and get support and guidance from them. Assess your financial situation which is very important, especially if kids are involved. Get a good attorney to take up your case and offer the right course of action to be taken. Make sure that you have good friends and family members to support you and help you through the ordeal and settle down peacefully with life.
11. Give time to heal
Once you have taken the big step, give yourself time to heal. Healing has to come naturally and you will have to go through feelings of hurt, regret, guilt, despair, and depression before you actually get over the breakup. Allow yourself time and never let yourself alone to brood and whine over spilled milk. Look at life positively and make sure that you are engaged in something that gives you peace of mind and a desire to live. Enroll yourself for meditation and yoga classes, and help your mind and body to heal and emerge strong.
Final Words
Dealing with a cheating husband is one of the most stressful and daunting things that a married woman will have to go through. Many break under the pressure and blame themselves for it and eventually, the marriage fizzles out. On the other hand, many wives love their husbands more than their husbands love them. These end up forgiving them and continue with their lives due to a lack of financial stability or for the sake of kids. Just make sure you make a well-informed choice.
