Discomfort and misunderstandings caused by a partner’s past is a problem that almost every couple faces at some point in their life and it can threaten the relationship seriously. The following are the steps which may help in dealing with your partner’s past.
Judge yourself first
When you are being troubled by your partnerâs past, also keep in mind that they might also be going through the same. Before you judge them on anything, judge yourself first. And you must not always compare your actions to theirs because the situation and the environment are mostly different which lead to different type of reaction in their case. If you think they could have done better, even then just keep it to yourself and donât harp about it for long. You yourself aren’t perfect and must have wronged plenty of times but that your partner is ok with it, so there is no reason why you shouldnât be so. And even in a case where you did not have a past and your partner has so, you must make allowances and be understanding.
Don’t remind them of their past
One thing that you must realize is that, this incapability of being able to accept them as they are, is your problem not theirs. They have faced it in the past and now have moved on ahead and are happy with you, then you must not go on reminding them about it all the time. This may hit back at you and might start developing feelings for their ex because they are constantly being reminded and their memories are being refreshed. This will land you in a bigger problem than you already were, so refrain from it. Be very frank and clear to them, tell them what exactly is bothering you and they will definitely help you. What you have to realize is that you have been mature enough to get over your own past so there should be no reason as to why canât you get over your partnerâs past.
Value your relationship
When you are feeling low about your relationship by thinking about your partnerâs past, ask yourself whether it is worth it. Your partner loves you and will not want to see you upset and when they realize that itâs their past which is bothering you, their suffering will be amplified. They may start feeling guilty and may also feel uncertain about being in a relationship with you. They will start doubting themselves and their efforts that they have put in into the relationship, and feel dejected that they could not keep you happy. You must have spent a lot of good time with them and they must have had something that made you fall for them, which is why you were in a relationship with them in the first place, so you should try to relive those moments. Think about how happy you have made each other and how strong your bonding is now. Forget about what has happened in the past because you cannot change it, move on.
Appreciate their honesty
While you are making up opinions about them or gossiping ferociously amongst your friends about your partner and their past, take out a moment to think how you got the information on this matter. You got to know it from your partner themselves, who have been quite frank and honest with you so that they can gain your trust. They could have easily hidden these facts and pretended to be perfect, but they did not do so because they trusted you. If you, despite this honesty they have shown, continue to keep digging into their past, they will be very disappointed. It may also prompt them to lie and hide facts and such incidents in future. Give them the confidence that they can share anything with you, appreciate their honesty and build trust. Trust is the most important factor in a relationship and you should be glad that your partner is at least not keeping you in the dark about their past.
Question as much as you can handle
Ignorance is bliss and this actually holds true when your partnerâs past is concerned. If you are very possessive and are madly in love with your partner, be guarded towards the questions that you project to them. There may be some things which your partner can tell you easily but will not be accepted by you with equal ease. The knowledge may infuriate you and make you demand answers and justifications for events that took place long back. People can be unreasonable when they are in love and these actions cannot be justified later. Avoid asking such questions which will make your partner awkward and uncomfortable. This will reflect your insecurity, not asking such questions will also prevent you from doubting you partner. These questions did not matter to you before you go into a relationship, so they should not matter now. Trust them with all your heart once you are with them.
