Most people get married with the expectation that their marriage will last forever. They do not marry with the idea of divorce being a possibility in their future. And then, unfortunately though, marriage and parenting are the only jobs without a manual for success; so, too many people end up being unable to work through the rough patches. This leads to deep disappointment and hopelessness where the choice to divorce may suddenly become a realistic option. By the time the prospect of divorce surfaces, spouses may not be only extremely emotional, but also filled with too much of stress. Here are some options you should try out before calling a divorce lawyer.
A Shift In Mindset
A great starting point in terms of saving your marriage would be to take responsibility for your part in the conflict. If one person is willing to do this, it can change the entire dynamic of the relationship. Dr. Harriet Lerner, a relationship expert, shares that most failures in marriage happen when one person is waiting for the other to change.
Even as you are dealing with your spouse’s flaws, remind yourself of their positive qualities. Think about the qualities that made you fall in love in the first place. Rather than focusing on getting your own way in the middle of an argument, listen to your spouse’s point of view rather than closing yourself off of communication.
Getting rid of the personal baggage you brought into the marriage may help your marriage without even focusing on the marriage itself. Personal therapy may help with prior wounds that haven’t yet healed. A counselor can empathize with you as well as teach you how to deal with your emotions. This will make a lasting difference not only in your marriage but in all your relationships.
Physical affection reduces stress hormones. It lowers the levels of the cortisol, the stress hormone. It is physical affection that gave you that initial bonding feeling; however, as you and your spouse’s emotional pain builds up, the associating lack of affection removes the feeling of bonding. Adding physical affection back into the relationship before you feel it emotionally will actually aid in bringing back the positive feelings.
Be vulnerable instead of sweeping things under the rug. Instead of burying negative feelings, gently and respectfully, express your thoughts and feelings. Challenge your self-sabotaging thoughts when you realize that they are being negative. Listen to your spouse’s side of the story. It may take up to 3 to 4 weeks for your intense negative emotions to dissipate, as you begin to eliminate your criticism and negativity.
Kyle Benson suggests that couples use empathy, express understanding, and validate emotions when asking that question, “How was your day, dear?” If you feel as if your spouse is on your side, it strengthens the deep, meaningful bond that makes a marriage work. Try a variety of activities that you both enjoy. All this will change the “ we are against each other” to a “we are against others” attitude.
If you have tried saving your marriage and your spouse does not want to work it out, then there are ways to prepare for this painful procedure:
Save money. Divorce can be very costly and it is also important to be able to pay your bills on a single income with child support. If you work, open a separate bank account. Have a part or all of your paycheck deposited into a separate account that your spouse cannot access. Close joint accounts and cancel joint credit cards. Start copying important financial documents, including bank and credit card statements, pay stubs, and tax returns.
Find a good family lawyer
While in a state of extreme hurt or bitterness, many spouses do not consider their children and can only imagine getting relief in getting away from their spouse. A family lawyer George C Malonis explains, because the children will now only be staying with one parent at a time, childcare becomes a necessity. For the parent who is given custody, a lawyer will need to get enough child support to pay for quality childcare. If there is joint custody, good childcare is still essential. During this stressful time, your children need love and consistency in their lives.
Forgiveness does not condone wrongful actions but allows you to move on in your marriage. The next time you argue with your spouse, examine your responses rather than second- guessing their reactions. Work on ways that you can repair your relationship rather than shutting down or becoming critical.
Along with your lawyer, meet with an accountant or financial planner. These people can help you prepare for your divorce financially.
Meet with a therapist during the divorce. It will also be helpful to speak to a child psychologist to ensure that the divorce is as stress-free as possible for your children.
If you reach out for every bit of help available to you in terms of saving your marriage or getting a divorce, it will make the process as easy as possible for you and your children. Asking friends and family for their suggestions is always a good idea. As hard as both marriage and divorce are, reaching out for help is always wise. Do not be too proud to ask for it!
Article Submitted By Community Writer