Manipulators try to control all aspects of others’ lives. It is very important to identify and deal with such people to preserve your emotional and mental health. Read on to find out how to deal with a manipulator.
Signs that You are Being Manipulated
Most of us come across situations when the others try to control our emotions, perception or behavior and take an advantage for their own benefit. In one such situation, you fail to realize the real motive. The person controls you psychologically and you get into the trap. This emotional manipulation sometimes costs you a lot when you make some important decisions under the influence of other person and realize it later when it is too late. Here are a few signs that the person is trying to manipulate you.
1. Love bombing
When a relationship sounds too good to be true you must be aware. They shower love, praise, appreciation, compliments and affection on you. You feel as if you are living your dream where everything seems perfect. They give you no reasons to complain. You simply find no faults in them. Even if something goes wrong, they may start crying or feeling sorry. You may even become the victim of intense sex and get the feeling of a fairy tale love.
2. Sporadic reinforcement
It is the result when the relationship actually started off with love bombing and all of a sudden you start feeling neglected. You get appreciation, gifts and praise, but only rarely. You feel as if you are losing your grip or they have someone else in their life. The moment you make up your mind to move on, you get another gift from them. You find it difficult to make up your mind. In one such situation, they try to get control over you. To your amazement in most cases, it works. You get even closer to them.
3. Negative reinforcement
After sporadic reinforcement, people mostly succeed in controlling their victims. When you fight back or demand an explanation, they may stop behaving in the same manner. The reason is that they actually get full control over you now, so they say goodbye to the sporadic reinforcement. They do not need it anymore.
4. Indirect ways to show aggression
They may not abuse you right on your face. They do not even use an aggressive tone of voice or say bad things to you. Moreover, choose to belittle you in many different ways and may give you advice; suggest a solution to your problems, or offer help. You may have a feeling that these people always try to help you but the truth is bitter.
5. Intention to demean you
Let us take a romantic relationship for consideration. The person often praises someone else and loves to see you in pain. He/she may flirt with someone else in front of you or may even try to talk about his/her love affairs he/she had in past. The intention is to hurt you and make you feel jealous. He/she always thinks of new ways to make you feel bad about yourself. The way someone tries to prove that he/she is faithful in a relationship; this person tries to do the opposite and can go to any extreme to do that.
6. They deny their commitments
Manipulators have many different faces and in the same manner, they may use many different ways to get things done. The person may make a commitment and later deny in a way that you start doubting your own perception. When you try hard to make them aware of their promise, they make you feel guilty. They may use superficial sympathy and burst into crocodile tears. You end up trusting them eventually and even doubt whether you heard right.
You cannot trust smiling faces that appear confident and powerful. Manipulative people always have self-serving bias and they hardly care for the feelings of the other person. They have a motive to seek out people who validate them and make them feel even superior.
How to Deal with Manipulative Behavior
Manipulators leave us feeling defensive, guilty, and pressured to do things we might not want to do. Here are a few ways how you could deal with a manipulative person.
1. Identify manipulative behavior
Manipulators are very good at controlling others and making them dance to their tunes. They use many different tactics to get things done their way without even letting the manipulated person realize that he/she is indeed acting under the manipulator’s influence. Manipulators can use guilt and sweet-talking to make you do things that they want you to do. They may also use anger, flattery, threats and other tactics to manipulate you. Keep an eye out for individuals who ask favors from you all the time, behave kindly to you when they want something done from you, come to you if they are in trouble, but never reciprocate. Also look out for people who give you ‘gifts’ or offer to help you with money etc. More often than not, they pretend to be generous only because they want something in return from you. Always pay attention to such warning signs as this will help you to recognize manipulative people.
2. Don’t let them make you feel guilty
The guilt trip is a classic manipulator move. Even when you know they are doing it, you still fall for it. One of the ways to deal with it is by nipping it in the bud. By making you feel guilty, manipulators put themselves in the driver’s seat and you end up doing things you don’t really want to but feel pressured into doing. In this trick sentences normally begin with “If you really loved me…”, or “If you really cared…”, etc. Another way is by them telling you what they think you wouldn’t do, thereby making you feel guilty about something you have done. In these cases you could use what they’ve said right back at them and give them a taste of their own medicine. If they don’t like what you’re doing that’s their problem. Don’t make it yours.
3. Don’t get into confrontational situations
Manipulators often start loud and confrontational situations. It’s their way of showing you who’s the boss. If you are a person who is private and likes peace and tranquility, they will use this method even more. It’s all about pushing the right buttons. The aim is to upset you enough to get you to do something you don’t really want to. You’ll end up feeling worried and guilty over something you haven’t really done at all. The way to deal with this is to be calm and logical. Stick to pertinent facts. Be firm and polite when you say no. Use body language, such as shaking your head, to make your point. Try not to snap at the person or make faces like rolling your eyes or grimacing.
4. Learn to recognize lies
Manipulators are also great liars. They twist and distort facts to suit their own needs and feel no guilt about doing it. If you know they are lying, ask them simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ questions in order to clarify the situation. You could also tell them that this is not how you remember the situations and would like to get a clearer view. Always let them know that you know they are lying. If they are lying about someone else, you could go and ask the person to clarify the situation. The key here is not to get taken in by their lies. Another common trick manipulator use is selective memory. They will conveniently forget that they had promised to do something. The best way to deal with this is to be as self-reliant as possible. Don’t expect anything from them and believe no promises that they make.
5. Don’t make excuses for the manipulator’s behavior
Although you need to understand the reason behind the manipulative behavior, stop making excuses for him. It is true that manipulative behavior stems from insecurity, unhappy childhood, lack of confidence and low self-esteem. Manipulators want nothing but to exercise control over people and situations as it gives them that feeling of security and power over others. However, you must also understand that it is these things that the manipulator uses as his strategy to control others. For example, he may use the ‘I was not loved by my parents during childhood’ card to make you feel that you are not giving him adequate love and affection. Manipulators love to ‘play the victim’ and this is how they attract false sympathy from others and make them do things for themselves.
6. Be confident and assertive
Manipulators are constantly looking for people with insecurities and low self-esteem as they know it is easy to control such people. People who lack confidence, are vulnerable, gullible and naive will not resist manipulators. Make sure you do not fall into this category if you want to prevent yourself from being manipulated. Show off your self-esteem, walk with your head held high, and speak confidently to let manipulators know that you will not be fooled by their manipulative schemes. However, even if you are not a very confident person the least you can do is to learn to say no to the manipulator’s demands. Be firm and assertive and don’t fall pray to their manipulative tactics. Plan your responses well in advance such ‘I cannot help you’ or ‘I have already said no, don’t ask me the same thing again and again and so on.
7. Move away from the situation/person
Sometimes moving away from the person or the situation is the best strategy to follow. This is a good strategy for those who find it difficult to say no to others. In such a scenario, it is best to politely leave the room than to succumb to the manipulator. Even if you are strong enough to stand up to the manipulator, ignoring him is the best thing to do to avoid any unnecessary conflicts as manipulators can become very aggressive if they realize their tactics are not working. This is especially true if you are facing this at your workplace. You don’t want to give rise to office politics or fights as it may ruin the working atmosphere as well. Maintain a cordial, professional relationship and try not to react to the manipulator’s antics.
8. Ignore emotional blackmailing
Lovers, children and parents use emotional blackmail to manipulate you into doing something. The only way to react to this type of manipulation is to ignore it. They are testing the boundaries of how far they can go and it is up to you to cut it off as soon as it starts. There are times when parents or other loved ones do have an illness and use that as a manipulative method. They normally tend to exaggerate their symptoms and use the guilt to ensure you do as they want. In such cases you could suggest that they talk to a professional therapist to deal with their anxiety and worry. This is a very difficult manipulative tactic to deal with, but it is also very important that you don’t get taken in by it.
9. Don’t borrow or lend anything
Try never to borrow anything from someone you recognize is a manipulator. They will be very helpful and generous when you are in need but this is only because they know that you will owe them something in the future. They won’t hesitate to play on your sense of gratitude. In essence you could say that they will use the favor you owe them as a blackmail tool. If you have lent a manipulator anything, don’t expect it back anytime soon, if ever. If you have lent them money and want it back, make sure you have things written and signed if you ever want any of the money back.
10. Confronting the manipulator
Sometimes, the manipulative behavior can increase to such an extent that it may become impossible to bear it. Even if after ignoring the manipulator or refusing to act according to his wishes, the manipulator keeps trying to influence and control others, it is time to confront him. If the manipulator is someone you see or interact with on a daily basis, there is a limit up to which you can ignore the person. Try to talk to him calmly and explain that his behavior is offensive. Point out specific incidents and ask him to stop the manipulative behavior.
