As they say “The man who trims himself to suit everybody will soon whittle himself away”. It could be considered being socially polite and nice when a person goes an extra mile at times to please other people. If it is happening too often and every time then it is a cause for concern.
SIGNS OF A PEOPLE PLEASER
Going out of the way to please everybody all the time does at the end of the day affect the personality of the person doing it. Though it makes a good impression on the other person but when the priority is to please others all the time the person doing it is no longer his/her real self. If you have the below mentioned warning signs then you surely are the people pleaser :
- Being Submissive in relationships and letting the other person take control of the relationship while you be a weakling.
- When you avoid speaking your mind.
- Finding it difficult to say no.
- Difficulty expressing your desires and opinions for the fear of contradiction.
Everybody has different expectations from you , trying to accommodate everyone all the time is not only not feasible but can also be quite crazy. It leads to undue stress to the person doing it.
Personality is defined by what other people perceive of you as an individual while individuality is your real self, what remains when the personality is taken away is the individual .
Pleasing all the time kills individualism and the person is bound to whittle himself away.
You may think that if you please everybody you are compassionate and have their best interests at heart. While in reality you could be spoiling these people by giving them what is actually not good for them.
Always being the pleased one tends to lose autonomy and get controlled. There could be a mixed feeling of pleasing and being resentful at the same time. After a while the resentful bag of emotions could weigh heavily and you could explode leaving the other person very confused.
REASONS FOR BEING A PEOPLE PLEASER
There are a number of reasons as to why people get into it:
- It could be upbringing from your parents, your culture, the society , or peers or due to a poor financial condition
- Low self esteem carried on from early childhood. You feel you are not worthy enough to get what you want.
- People pleasing stems from the belief that other people’s happiness is more important than one’s own, this notion is deeply grounded in inferiority complex.
- People pleasers are actually attention seekers who need other peoples approval all the time and are low on self confidence
- You may have been conditioned to please to get love and attention in return.
- You could be saving yourself from a verbal attack from the other person. So you please .
- There are people who go out of their way because they cant say no.
- Then there are those who please other people in the hope of getting the same treatment back.
It is very important to prioritize in terms of whose expectations to fulfill and not go beyond a certain limit. One would do well by pleasing immediate family and at the same time must not leave one feeling unduly stressed and overwhelmed. Then come the bosses , the peers, and relatives in your of preference depending on what is more important to you. Is it your friends? Your family? Your career? You decide.
Altering you personality to suit others will make you lose your individuality. You may appear more appealing on the exterior in terms of personality. Persona is something that can be imitated while individuality remains intact and cannot be copied. Personality is ruled by outer forces and is fearful of criticism and can be selfish. A personality can be intimidated while an individual is fearless. An individual is capable of appreciating and at the same time is appreciated by others. The key is to be an individual, who respects himself or herself as much as others.
One has to learn to say no with conviction and not get carried away with the strong undercurrent of other people ideas and behavior.
It would be a good idea to analyse if people are taking undue advantage of you. If yes, stop right there!
Be assertive and put across your point of view amicably without offending the other person.
This attitude of self neglect indicates that to make others happy you should first look after your own needs. Only then are you truly capable of looking after someone else.
If you have high self-esteem then what others think of you wont be as important. It is important to respect oneself in order to earn someone else’s respect.
IN A NUTSHELL
People pleasing now and then with a motive is OK . If you are doing It all the time just to fit in then you are a chronic people pleaser and you are letting go of more valuable principles in life.
People pleasers are too busy pleasing people and take their close loved ones for granted . In the process the people pleaser is whittling away because he is no longer a genuine warm person, his real self
You may decide to wear a certain dress, or get a certain hairstyle to please someone else but there will always be someone else who doesn’t like it. So, remember everybody will not have the same point of view or opinion.
It is possible to cooperate with people and doing things their way and still retain your individuality. There is a fine line between people pleasing and cooperation. The crux of the matter is to know where to draw the line and be your real self.
Believe it or not! You will be appreciated and value for the real , genuine person who stands out and gets the respect and love he or she so much deserves.